The kid I mentioned last time has had a heavy back hand he cannot handle. He has bled into his cisterns and gone into decerebrate posturinng. I debated going to see him but mostly I cannot handle the two of them. His brother is there with him, and no matter how much he feels he is distraught, he is standing there beside as his strength and support.
It is rather easy to say that with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, this had to happen. But when you actually come down to reality, it is as distant a thing that everybody hopes for. For a 17 year old life to end just like that, it increases the odds for all the older people like us who go on living from day to day as to what we are doing with our lives.
He should not suffer. P is distraught, and I caught her in a rare glimpse of appearance at a dinner hosted by one of the companies yesterday. She is still caught in that non-medical hope of a miracle that would save him this time as well and he would wake up. I don't. Rather than he survive and become a vegetable with festering bed sores and unattended, he should go holding that dignity and panache he has always carried and for which I loved him and his brother.
God bless him.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I promise
Not to brink work home.
Which in present context means two things
1> No studies of any form till second year, minus ECG and Emergency Medicine.
2> To see movies only when I can have the time to think about it after the movie is finished so I remember what I want to remember....My exhaustion with the matters of 30 patients in the ward and their multiple attendants with complaints ad infinitum cannot and should not limit me to watch movies compromisingly with them on my mind.
Which in present context means two things
1> No studies of any form till second year, minus ECG and Emergency Medicine.
2> To see movies only when I can have the time to think about it after the movie is finished so I remember what I want to remember....My exhaustion with the matters of 30 patients in the ward and their multiple attendants with complaints ad infinitum cannot and should not limit me to watch movies compromisingly with them on my mind.
OOOHHHH
Central Venous Catheters finally finished downloading.....it took only 4 weeks for the 5.77 MB file to find its sons of the soil who seeded it. Very productive book it should be then....
AVATAR
I had the rather doubly unfortunate previlege of seeing Avatar in Hindi at a Rohtak cinema hall the day it released. My gut feeling was that it wouldn't be living upto my expectations. But it being a free day in the ward, and me finally deciding to have some form of socialisation I went out with four colleagues (All male for a night show...some socialisation...). But anyways...to speak about the movie, it predictably did not live upto the hype created.
For one, just about too many sci-fi movies have been made so that watching yet another sci-fi flicm needs something outstanding. But in Avatar, I ended up liking the small things only. Most mentionable was the irises designed by the team. When I had seen the promos, I got the idea that somehow the eyes would look unnatural, but to be honest, they have been made Indian huge eyes and look beautiful on every single Nav'i person. The second was the hovercraft like mid-air stance of the double wheeled choppers and the three tier bombing arsenal of the mothership. And the pigtails were long and strong enough to make substantial contribution to Garnier Long and Strong. I loved Michelle Rodrigues' aviator sunglasses and the head gears of the tribespeople. That was about it.
The plot has nothing new to offer. You cant have this movie belong to an ilk that would have movies like Minority Report, ET or War of the Worlds ( but then all these three were Spielberg...) Sigourney Weaver looks fit enough to weild a machine gun but most of the time she was in a petitional mood. Rodriguez is terribly wasted. The flying job could have been given to any Tom, Dick or Harry and Michelle would have had to just walk through the woods in her Resident Evil like ways and half the job would have been done. I like her voltaged up and in-the face. Zoe makes a good role...especially with her expressive dewy eyes and 4 fingered hands. Sam Worthington has done okay. The rest even do not come to mind.
I was disappointed with the birds and animals. They looked like a curious mixture of game dvds and zoology text of the paleolithic era. So we have horses sucking juice from flowers with snouts like Aadvarks, we have Dragonflies mixed with Pterodactyles so that they become 4 winged creatures...we do have a hammer headed shark doughed with a triceratops...the colour scheme being bizarre to the point of being predictably kindergarten. I liked the metallic black of that half panther, half T-rex thing that was initiallly chasing Jake but seemed like even he wanted some more footage.
The Triceratops incidentally is the animal I liken to the Three of us ( mom, me and sis ) when we are sleeping. In a Layman's terms it is the first animal encountered by Dr Alex Grant ( Sam Neill) and Dr Ellie Sattler ( Laura Dern) when they stop listening to Dr Ian Malcolm's ( The coolest dude in the movie Jeff Goldblum) , " Nature will find a way..." and run out to see the shield-horned Rhinoceros taking his last breath with a very admirable tongue out. It was the animal I most memorized in my school days to show off my knowledge of Dinosaurs owing to my sister's Zoology background after I first saw Jurassic Park in 1993 ( In Cuttack, in ENGLISH in a very ordinary cinema hall...)...More about my film-crazed crush on Sam Neill ( Read Dr Alan Grant...) in what I know will now follow once that I have started writing about films.
In the scenario of the movie raking in more moolah than Titanic did during its time, I am bound to think the major jerker must have been the Hindi script and the lack of 3-D effects which some of my juniors vouched was the best cinematic experience they ever had. It wins two Golden Globes, and is perhaps the safest bet at the Oscars. Which can only be speculated upon at this point of time. In any case, for the time being, for James Cameron, its an Olympic Feat bettered. First he swept the world off its feet with Titanic. It won thirteen nominations as an aside. And he has done it again.
For him, I wish The Na'vi all the best for an Oscar event sequel.
For one, just about too many sci-fi movies have been made so that watching yet another sci-fi flicm needs something outstanding. But in Avatar, I ended up liking the small things only. Most mentionable was the irises designed by the team. When I had seen the promos, I got the idea that somehow the eyes would look unnatural, but to be honest, they have been made Indian huge eyes and look beautiful on every single Nav'i person. The second was the hovercraft like mid-air stance of the double wheeled choppers and the three tier bombing arsenal of the mothership. And the pigtails were long and strong enough to make substantial contribution to Garnier Long and Strong. I loved Michelle Rodrigues' aviator sunglasses and the head gears of the tribespeople. That was about it.
The plot has nothing new to offer. You cant have this movie belong to an ilk that would have movies like Minority Report, ET or War of the Worlds ( but then all these three were Spielberg...) Sigourney Weaver looks fit enough to weild a machine gun but most of the time she was in a petitional mood. Rodriguez is terribly wasted. The flying job could have been given to any Tom, Dick or Harry and Michelle would have had to just walk through the woods in her Resident Evil like ways and half the job would have been done. I like her voltaged up and in-the face. Zoe makes a good role...especially with her expressive dewy eyes and 4 fingered hands. Sam Worthington has done okay. The rest even do not come to mind.
I was disappointed with the birds and animals. They looked like a curious mixture of game dvds and zoology text of the paleolithic era. So we have horses sucking juice from flowers with snouts like Aadvarks, we have Dragonflies mixed with Pterodactyles so that they become 4 winged creatures...we do have a hammer headed shark doughed with a triceratops...the colour scheme being bizarre to the point of being predictably kindergarten. I liked the metallic black of that half panther, half T-rex thing that was initiallly chasing Jake but seemed like even he wanted some more footage.
The Triceratops incidentally is the animal I liken to the Three of us ( mom, me and sis ) when we are sleeping. In a Layman's terms it is the first animal encountered by Dr Alex Grant ( Sam Neill) and Dr Ellie Sattler ( Laura Dern) when they stop listening to Dr Ian Malcolm's ( The coolest dude in the movie Jeff Goldblum) , " Nature will find a way..." and run out to see the shield-horned Rhinoceros taking his last breath with a very admirable tongue out. It was the animal I most memorized in my school days to show off my knowledge of Dinosaurs owing to my sister's Zoology background after I first saw Jurassic Park in 1993 ( In Cuttack, in ENGLISH in a very ordinary cinema hall...)...More about my film-crazed crush on Sam Neill ( Read Dr Alan Grant...) in what I know will now follow once that I have started writing about films.
In the scenario of the movie raking in more moolah than Titanic did during its time, I am bound to think the major jerker must have been the Hindi script and the lack of 3-D effects which some of my juniors vouched was the best cinematic experience they ever had. It wins two Golden Globes, and is perhaps the safest bet at the Oscars. Which can only be speculated upon at this point of time. In any case, for the time being, for James Cameron, its an Olympic Feat bettered. First he swept the world off its feet with Titanic. It won thirteen nominations as an aside. And he has done it again.
For him, I wish The Na'vi all the best for an Oscar event sequel.
Demonoid Is Back
Long wanted to write about it but just have the time to put in a few lines. Ever since I returned from Guwahati work has been maddening. My Co-Pg graciously gave me an evening's rest and I utilized it to the full extent by sleeping, surfing ( mostly unproductive) and looking up and down the site I am about to mention....and now Blogging...
Just go through it and use it if you find it useful. Forget about it if you don't.This is not intended for people who believe that even on the internet pirated stuff is taboo. If you don't, then read on.
Demonoid is back, with a bang. Same green monster with his staff, and the best in books, movies and software comes packaged the same way it was before. I would like to speak about the software it gives, but we have several sites with far worthy writers giving excellent resources on the same. However I will concentrate on what I can do best.
Lets talk about getting invitations, and using Demonoid to download Medical Ebooks, journals and the like.
Free users for Demonoid can use a maximum 5 downloads a day. But the one instance when my Mozilla did not autoconnect on startup I guess the number reached was a wee bit early. And download is via any Torrent Programme. The new code written and currently being tested apprehends more downtime but to be honest I did not feel that to be such a big problem considering my downloads are usually a maximum of 100 to 150 mb books in .chm format. I do not "read" 'audio'books. Hence the option to 'read' Revolutionary Road was out the moment I saw the 600Mb odd document.
The featured torrents remain the same sad way they used to be at the top. But the biggest news awaits anyone who might have used Demonoid before to download medical books. And anyone doing so not knowing the God of Uploads NUALAOR. Yes, HE is there. He is alive, still not accepting private messages ( read book requests) and still uploading fantastic stuff. Sometimes I get this crazy feeling he might work for Wolter-Kluwers or Lange or the like because most of his releases are Springer Publications. Nevertheless, The Polite-Positive-Prepared man is upping what the world looks forward to wolf down. Few Indian names also seem to be coming up and its wise enough to have a go at Babloo75.
( I support the seeding stuff considering all the stuff I have downloaded from Demonoid and Internet stuff so far....MY seeding-leeching ratio stands at a modest 0.52. But neither does my 80 GB 4 year old laptop nor my 128kbps connection allows me to seed 24/7. However with small documents esp with low seed leech ratios that I think are important or when an active leecher sends a request, I do leave them on for the time.)
Nualaor is just one of them. The Medical Books apart, there are loads of journals, novels, games, self help books, videos, movies, audio books to choose from. The only hitch is that a different registration ID is required to read and reply in the Forum section so I havent got much idea about this bit. On the whole Demonoid is one of the best sites to get your stuff which has least hassles and which wouldn't make you run pillar to post to run for an invitation to join ( e.g BitMe.Org ) to find out all that work was never worth it. Ever since Mininova started on with Content Distribution it is the best piece of news for all those people like us from countries like India who can use this tool and learn to be the best in the field.
While it lasts that is. So go for it. Green Monster is still grinning.
Just go through it and use it if you find it useful. Forget about it if you don't.This is not intended for people who believe that even on the internet pirated stuff is taboo. If you don't, then read on.
Demonoid is back, with a bang. Same green monster with his staff, and the best in books, movies and software comes packaged the same way it was before. I would like to speak about the software it gives, but we have several sites with far worthy writers giving excellent resources on the same. However I will concentrate on what I can do best.
Lets talk about getting invitations, and using Demonoid to download Medical Ebooks, journals and the like.
Free users for Demonoid can use a maximum 5 downloads a day. But the one instance when my Mozilla did not autoconnect on startup I guess the number reached was a wee bit early. And download is via any Torrent Programme. The new code written and currently being tested apprehends more downtime but to be honest I did not feel that to be such a big problem considering my downloads are usually a maximum of 100 to 150 mb books in .chm format. I do not "read" 'audio'books. Hence the option to 'read' Revolutionary Road was out the moment I saw the 600Mb odd document.
The featured torrents remain the same sad way they used to be at the top. But the biggest news awaits anyone who might have used Demonoid before to download medical books. And anyone doing so not knowing the God of Uploads NUALAOR. Yes, HE is there. He is alive, still not accepting private messages ( read book requests) and still uploading fantastic stuff. Sometimes I get this crazy feeling he might work for Wolter-Kluwers or Lange or the like because most of his releases are Springer Publications. Nevertheless, The Polite-Positive-Prepared man is upping what the world looks forward to wolf down. Few Indian names also seem to be coming up and its wise enough to have a go at Babloo75.
( I support the seeding stuff considering all the stuff I have downloaded from Demonoid and Internet stuff so far....MY seeding-leeching ratio stands at a modest 0.52. But neither does my 80 GB 4 year old laptop nor my 128kbps connection allows me to seed 24/7. However with small documents esp with low seed leech ratios that I think are important or when an active leecher sends a request, I do leave them on for the time.)
Nualaor is just one of them. The Medical Books apart, there are loads of journals, novels, games, self help books, videos, movies, audio books to choose from. The only hitch is that a different registration ID is required to read and reply in the Forum section so I havent got much idea about this bit. On the whole Demonoid is one of the best sites to get your stuff which has least hassles and which wouldn't make you run pillar to post to run for an invitation to join ( e.g BitMe.Org ) to find out all that work was never worth it. Ever since Mininova started on with Content Distribution it is the best piece of news for all those people like us from countries like India who can use this tool and learn to be the best in the field.
While it lasts that is. So go for it. Green Monster is still grinning.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Kick Ass Weather
Actually turned out to be quite a kick in the A** as the coldest night yet seen by me and I was doing an emergency night. 37 admissions....the entire night in the ward, not a wink of sleep save for two super strong doodh-pattis that I asked Sister Neelam to make for me. Had this been Summer I swear I wouldn't have been able to bear the night. Strangely the patients were very tame, perhaps because I was at sometime or the other casting dagger glances at all the beds looking at which bed to oust if another patient came on Ambu or needed back rest and Oxygen. So they all fell silent..they all fell studiously ill for my benefit. Even the Seizure Gal rattled for a few seconds and lay docilely suggestive when I went to her. And the Hysterical patient stopped whining about not having his routine and religious pee call ( He is catheterized since a week by the Shrinks...). The night was a dangerous grey. And the fog seeped into my room to that extent to remind me of Haley Joel Osment's vapours in Sixth Sense. By that analogy, I must be spewing chimneys of smoke...but leave aside the ridiculous, the mist is everywhere...in my ward, in my room...inside my cupboard...and now, after a non stop no wink of sleep 12 hours duty in ward, in my mind.
It must be a zero degree today here in Rohtak...and it was dangerously beautiful...I am still in one piece. But I hope it spares us in Gangtok where my two old people will along with me and Sis. For them and them only, I want it to end....
Another misty mouthed smile...And I disappear into a misty dream.....
It must be a zero degree today here in Rohtak...and it was dangerously beautiful...I am still in one piece. But I hope it spares us in Gangtok where my two old people will along with me and Sis. For them and them only, I want it to end....
Another misty mouthed smile...And I disappear into a misty dream.....
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
PreEm
Got my permission for holidays fro 16th till 21st...to Guwahati for Gynecology Conference and back. My professor gave me the green to go but I am worried how my co-pg will handle 2 back to back emergencies. The kid is having his 25th birthday on 15th and we are in the middle of an emergency...I want to offer him an Emergency and Post Emergency but he wont accept I guess. As for now I hope the seniors will be lenient and restrict useless admissions.....
Which means no blogging for a week. But I hope to go to Shillong and if possible Gangtok and see orchids as they are being plucked....And Dumplings.......lets not even talk about them.
Finally Dr P was checkmated yesterday into a dinner by 3 of us. The new restaurant in Rohtak is Glassee. Trouble is it neither lives upto its reputation by being a vegetarian fast food joint, and secondly..no drinks are served. But it makes for the best Veg-Momos I have had so far. And it serves Black Currant ice-cream. And the look-up is pretty decent. So the provocation for Black Currant surpassed the restrictions for a healthy clear nosed Winter.
And we had good food for dinner. And the weather was its coldest yet in Rohtak. The point when even adults feel its no more time to be out in the cold. So the walk back was moderately painful. But it was a thoroughly enjoyable pre-emergency night. And the room is an ice-box now. I am contemplating buying a blower finally because I don't want to fall ill before my trip.
Today I only have 2 blocked nostrils.
Which means no blogging for a week. But I hope to go to Shillong and if possible Gangtok and see orchids as they are being plucked....And Dumplings.......lets not even talk about them.
Finally Dr P was checkmated yesterday into a dinner by 3 of us. The new restaurant in Rohtak is Glassee. Trouble is it neither lives upto its reputation by being a vegetarian fast food joint, and secondly..no drinks are served. But it makes for the best Veg-Momos I have had so far. And it serves Black Currant ice-cream. And the look-up is pretty decent. So the provocation for Black Currant surpassed the restrictions for a healthy clear nosed Winter.
And we had good food for dinner. And the weather was its coldest yet in Rohtak. The point when even adults feel its no more time to be out in the cold. So the walk back was moderately painful. But it was a thoroughly enjoyable pre-emergency night. And the room is an ice-box now. I am contemplating buying a blower finally because I don't want to fall ill before my trip.
Today I only have 2 blocked nostrils.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Getting Readership Again....
Once again I have people hitting up on my Blog. I hope its not Goli advertising for me again and asking people to read my blog...though this time I am sure people will be in for a surprise...I am too occupied to yield the overstuffed pen I used to yield then...I was at war...and it showed through in my writings... Maybe I have actually risen above it now...And though making it "inspirational" was not My idea....I wont mind having contributory acknowledgement if it turns out to be so...if it saves someone else from going through the muck and disillusion life offers those who dare question the system...or who try to bend rules forgetting different laws and compulsions drive different men and women....
But its a paradox...In a different date...WHITEWASHED RAINBOWS raw, emotional, amateur had close to 30 comments...the ALL NEW WHITEWASHED RAINBOWS is professional, insider's story, preened, pruned and edited and corrected strangely has none. Mostly I think its my hiatus from writing...I quit writing for 3 years..But then a second thought arises in my alter's mind...
Have I really lost it?
Grins.....
But its a paradox...In a different date...WHITEWASHED RAINBOWS raw, emotional, amateur had close to 30 comments...the ALL NEW WHITEWASHED RAINBOWS is professional, insider's story, preened, pruned and edited and corrected strangely has none. Mostly I think its my hiatus from writing...I quit writing for 3 years..But then a second thought arises in my alter's mind...
Have I really lost it?
Grins.....
Rohtak Winter 2010....
There is so much beauty in those 8 minutes from my room to my destination,
How can I not be happy? I half run to 9/V....music in my ears the perfect accompaniment to the song before my eyes. Its true, I have never felt this happy in a long long time.....
What one chooses to forget...or what one chooses to remember....minor things like this take a backseat....I could walk on this road forever....even if it stretched to eternity I know I would still take it. And being alone doesn't matter. And its strange I never thought it was possible, but NOTHING goes on in my head as I take those steps. No matter how big the burdens of a full Medicine ward, how deep the slammings of a 27 year old life, with secrets, shadows, sorrows, sadnesses...I am surrounded and engulfed by those eight minutes of eternity that have so far made my day...each day. Everything and everyone else is a big Null. I am I. And I stretch and melt in those 8 minutes of Absolution with myself....
Until the sun comes through, and whether I was walking back from Daycare center shivering in the cold the entire night or go to my ward chattering from Canine to Calcaneum...its the same. Nothing else Matters.
There is too much beauty in this world surrounding us to waste on life's ugliness....One just needs to open up, close those eyes and extend those arms.....
to.....
Embrace Life......
A Very Happy New Year to Planet Earth and Every Living Being I Share It With....Thank You. God Bless You Always.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Feeling unnecessarily Grandmotherly....
Life doesn't give you a second chance. Believe me, if you are reading this and are not a Medical professional, then you wont have an idea when life will be planning to aim a whammy at you. If you are a man reading this, go out and do something good. If you cant speak to your parents, speak to them, even if they don't understand. Fall in love. Love someone tenderly and truthfully and tell her irrespective of what you think she will tell you. Leave the ego trips..go out...go trekking somewhere, run, do whatever you want that will hurt no one. If you are a girl, put your foot down on where you think you are being bullied. Go on a trip. Don't just look for a good looking guy with a wad of cash. Go for someone you enjoy spending time with, someone who would make you become a child again do absolutely crazy things in life. Settle for excellence in your profession. Remember that honesty and hard work may not bring short term increments, but with good luck they build a solid foundation of happiness that no quick fixes can match.
Go visit all places here in India. There is too much beauty around. But you have to get down from that Bolero and walk with a knapsack. And accept the idea that clean food is still possible to have even from a thatched house. Sure put your shades on, walk a Reebok walk and dress with a vengeance. But the best make up should be a Smile. And the best defense should be the Attitude.
Go visit all places here in India. There is too much beauty around. But you have to get down from that Bolero and walk with a knapsack. And accept the idea that clean food is still possible to have even from a thatched house. Sure put your shades on, walk a Reebok walk and dress with a vengeance. But the best make up should be a Smile. And the best defense should be the Attitude.
The Awesomest Weather In My Life
This was the coldest season at my life. At 3 degrees centigrade ( As S would like to say, he is at 3 degrees as well, but denomination is in Fahrenheit...No its not THAT cold here ), I deliberately chose not to keep a room heater, I somehow love that bone chilling sensation that comes seeping through my feet when I put it on the floor. But more than that it was the fog that lasted while it did. To know zero visibility means to sit in a car and have all eyes and ears tuned to the idea of guessing what comes next. And even in the rear, I got the first taste of paranoia when I shouted at Dr A to drive slowly, and even to stop the car in the middle of the road ' waiting for the fog to clear' so we could come back from our now ritualized dinner programme every saturday night...me, Vicks, Payal and the Boss, Dr A.
I will put up some pictures of Rohtak Campus in the fog, and trust me it was twice the fog than comes through in the pics. My camera is unnecessarily sharp eyed in this context and I did not edit the pictures. The best moments were when actually walking through the fog to the Ward you accidentally find people popping in through the thick haze...The fog isn't here anymore, but next time its here, I will have them captured.
The thing that I most want to do in an evening like this is to just go on walking. For the lack of a good companion, this is the time when I am the happiest and loneliest. I usually hum to Pink Floyd or Hotel California. At my saddest and loneliest best, I finally picked up Dr P to to take a walk along with. Trouble is the days I get free mean an emergency to her and as a second year, shes gotta do the stuff in the casualty. We are basically a very odd pair, this one notedly antisocial but very eager to live life if someone gives her a chance..Sadly, it cannot be put across even subtlely to these great minds residing here...thats P for you, gem of a person, if someone looks below her defenses.... And me...well...hmmm...not much to say. But in any case we hit it off okay even with limited spectrum of conversation. But as my Professor has saddled me with 5 special ward patients that i have to paste a smile to visit...even as I had planned to take a walk today evening, I got free at 9 45 pm.
Plus the fog was not there. Sometimes you want to tear the sky.
These are times when I miss talking...miss scratching all the wounds and scabs till they bleed raw and begin to heal. Its almost a paradox that these desires clash with the numbing effect this winter has on my hands and legs. Plus Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb further deadens the picture. Until what you have is me, having a sister's marriage that would have otherwise pushed my hormones and tempers into the Stratosphere had I lived in Cuttack, but here I am, not even missing quite what or who I perhaps should miss..not quite enjoying what or how I perhaps should enjoy...Or I don't know.
Somehow, I have grown Comfortably Numb....
Smiles.....
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..........................................................................................................................................................................
I fail to understand why North India has to be so narrow minded...Sure they are sharp, good looking, rich, have fertile soils, nice climate, no Heat strokes, or cyclones or mosquitoes pregnant with Falciparum maggots to bring them down, but you notice a subtle shift, a moment's pause in which they evaluate, calculate and then decide what to do or say to you in the next step. Perhaps because they easily guess I am not one of them, I don't know exactly where it begins. And men are unusually conceited when it comes to women. If its the same with the rest of the country, it is closedly so. Here its out in the open, and no one makes a pretense of it. I am not exactly sure if I choose the covert over the overt, but the idea of women staying mum over some matters of the most immediate consequence and subsequence to them is alarming. Like somehow women accept its just their lot to get slim, fair and beautiful, get an education and to marry a rich guy. Even if the education means to get a MBBS, it has no relation to how much integrity and honesty they put to it. It becomes just another degree to add to the marriage matrimonial CV.
I will put up some pictures of Rohtak Campus in the fog, and trust me it was twice the fog than comes through in the pics. My camera is unnecessarily sharp eyed in this context and I did not edit the pictures. The best moments were when actually walking through the fog to the Ward you accidentally find people popping in through the thick haze...The fog isn't here anymore, but next time its here, I will have them captured.
The thing that I most want to do in an evening like this is to just go on walking. For the lack of a good companion, this is the time when I am the happiest and loneliest. I usually hum to Pink Floyd or Hotel California. At my saddest and loneliest best, I finally picked up Dr P to to take a walk along with. Trouble is the days I get free mean an emergency to her and as a second year, shes gotta do the stuff in the casualty. We are basically a very odd pair, this one notedly antisocial but very eager to live life if someone gives her a chance..Sadly, it cannot be put across even subtlely to these great minds residing here...thats P for you, gem of a person, if someone looks below her defenses.... And me...well...hmmm...not much to say. But in any case we hit it off okay even with limited spectrum of conversation. But as my Professor has saddled me with 5 special ward patients that i have to paste a smile to visit...even as I had planned to take a walk today evening, I got free at 9 45 pm.
Plus the fog was not there. Sometimes you want to tear the sky.
These are times when I miss talking...miss scratching all the wounds and scabs till they bleed raw and begin to heal. Its almost a paradox that these desires clash with the numbing effect this winter has on my hands and legs. Plus Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb further deadens the picture. Until what you have is me, having a sister's marriage that would have otherwise pushed my hormones and tempers into the Stratosphere had I lived in Cuttack, but here I am, not even missing quite what or who I perhaps should miss..not quite enjoying what or how I perhaps should enjoy...Or I don't know.
Somehow, I have grown Comfortably Numb....
Smiles.....
..........................................................................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................................................................
I fail to understand why North India has to be so narrow minded...Sure they are sharp, good looking, rich, have fertile soils, nice climate, no Heat strokes, or cyclones or mosquitoes pregnant with Falciparum maggots to bring them down, but you notice a subtle shift, a moment's pause in which they evaluate, calculate and then decide what to do or say to you in the next step. Perhaps because they easily guess I am not one of them, I don't know exactly where it begins. And men are unusually conceited when it comes to women. If its the same with the rest of the country, it is closedly so. Here its out in the open, and no one makes a pretense of it. I am not exactly sure if I choose the covert over the overt, but the idea of women staying mum over some matters of the most immediate consequence and subsequence to them is alarming. Like somehow women accept its just their lot to get slim, fair and beautiful, get an education and to marry a rich guy. Even if the education means to get a MBBS, it has no relation to how much integrity and honesty they put to it. It becomes just another degree to add to the marriage matrimonial CV.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Incidentally....
I actually spent the whole night in sister's room because I was glad the Grizzly Bear I was apprehending would be doing the night on 30th was out and in his place I had the Final Year tall and fair enough to replace Jim Caviezel in Passion Of Christ was on for the night. Unfortunately, I cannot make easy conversation with people in my own unit. I and my co-pg share an invisible and inaudible chemistry. His vocabulary ends where mine begins. And my final years are superb people but I dont fit into their comfort zones I guess.
And I don't enjoy the Grizzly's roars at all. Though he has humanized a lot over the last 6 months. Consequently amidst all these conducive but not necessarily cooperative factors I spent the night part drumming my fingers in the Emergency, where Dr R would not let me take a single sample, I talked to Ashok, the Geek Nurse at Daycare, and I also tried to sleep in the sister's duty room. I had 4 power cuts, I ran to the Daycare at war footing every time the light bleeped, had the common sense to put all Ambus with Oxygen as standby...and I did not sleep that night.
A most wonderful 5 degrees 30th December. I could have blogged the entire night that day if I had the chance.
And I don't enjoy the Grizzly's roars at all. Though he has humanized a lot over the last 6 months. Consequently amidst all these conducive but not necessarily cooperative factors I spent the night part drumming my fingers in the Emergency, where Dr R would not let me take a single sample, I talked to Ashok, the Geek Nurse at Daycare, and I also tried to sleep in the sister's duty room. I had 4 power cuts, I ran to the Daycare at war footing every time the light bleeped, had the common sense to put all Ambus with Oxygen as standby...and I did not sleep that night.
A most wonderful 5 degrees 30th December. I could have blogged the entire night that day if I had the chance.
Hmm...
Its not that difficult to be a Good Human Being. Everyday you have to keep those small promises you make silently to yourself.
Monday, January 4, 2010
It Now Begins...
New year ushered in like a whiff of smoke. There I was yesterday celebrating New Year at AIIMS 2 years back; in the back alleys of Gautam Nagar snuffing myself out last year; and now....in a bone cracking winter night in Rohtak, where I actually understood why zero visibility is called so. New Year was a charm. We did not even have any uncooperative lungs back at Day Care Center, and the inmates happily took the Pancuronium and relaxed their muscles for our benefit. I finally put on my purple sweat shirt half scared it would bulge out from 17 odd places but it fit snugly. But the jeans I wore 2 years back is still most definitely out, and I have no idea when I would be putting them on again. Neverthless, I found my own piece of heaven with a happy start and the sisters found their respective pieces of Black Forest and the New Year went down amidst a contended smile and some resolutions which will be kept this time.
I am happy for myself, for my sister who is finally reaching upto a shared dream, and my family, where every one is glad for each other....
God Bless the World in 2010
I am happy for myself, for my sister who is finally reaching upto a shared dream, and my family, where every one is glad for each other....
God Bless the World in 2010
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