After years of being hounded by friends to put up some sort of a picture in remembrance/recognition to my identity, and after years of soliciting one corner of the world to another to speak my heart out because I am never able to speak it up in company or physical presence of other people, I finally came up with a picture that looked relatively like my non obese Cuttack days and I decided to put it up on Blogger and Orkut. Orkut I changed to the Autumnal fall tree I took a snap of in April, Blogger I forgot to edit because my torrent client running on my desperate 256Mb RAM laptop cannot open and I did not get one opportunity to write for the last one month.
And my rather hypocritical attempts to stay anonymous ( why I use the word hypocritical will justify itself later) met with an inevitable failure because somehow the word leaked and a most esteemed Professor, who I look up to the same reverence as I look upto my own, was tipped off about it and spoof......
You would possibly think the first disclaimer to be the line I wrote last, " the sugar coated truth"
Its not like that. If it would be someone other than my own Professor ( Who instantly recognizes something is amiss, if I am not being chirpy, or angry, or impulsive, or stupid), Professor D, Dr S ( and its not my Final Year for chrissake, as I mistakenly informed Prof D, its the Radiology Asso Professor I have the very good fortune of being very close with, because we manage to talk without pretences), or Dr P ( My Senior Resident), I would just have taken an alias and taken this off blogger and put it on Wordpress or something else on here for that matter. I am too computer proficient for most people to catch me with a faux pas. And like I said, I am honest and forthright to a fault. And its to an extent when it doesn't become a virtue but becomes foolish. I don't reveal my plans in public, I don't talk silly, I don't communicate, I am very unsocial, and people, both family, colleagues, my teachers and some of my closest friends have had a tough time thinking what went wrong because I did not speak at a social gathering ( including the last farewell dinner to our final years), the truth is, I cannot. And for that matter its not because I am either conceiting because of a superiority complex or a sense of distinction. I cannot open up, usually. And thats the reason I take to blogging like a fish to water. For me, its the aphrodaisiac, its also the carminative.
I will continue to write here, with my name on it, and hopefully better pictures ( someone should always know what I mean by better pictures when I compare mine to my extremely pretty elder sister). My mistakes will be mine. My lessons for me to learn, and my confusion, if it will be sorted out, will be sorted out here.
I am pretty sure, with all due respect, that my Professors ( the 3 I have talked about, and I will never again mention my gratefulness for knowing them, because its almost bordering to sound artificial, even despite myself), who have known me will know what I am saying saying is the truth. Their blessings just make me more cautious that I live upto their expectations, and like what I see with my Professor ( who appeared in the clinic within 30 seconds of me seeing him out far through the window, at a pace easily five times mine :(, when will I ever match his strides? Thats why i purposefully walked behind him with the intern on our way back, and he is always gracious enough to slow down and look back waiting for us to catch up...I am hopeless, even strotting hasn't helped, his tendon injury did, but I prefer him walking at his own pace an me catching up with him someday rather than him getting injured and slowing down for me), that at anytime my physical inabilities should not be a cause of a lack of commission, or an omission thereof, and deny a needy the health to which he has a right to, once he/she comes under our care. That I did not do a good CPR ( I have never done a good CPR save three or four times. The patients were always too dead, too cold, and too irresuscitable). And my biggest of all woes...I cannot intubate. I cannot Intubate. 2 just happened by chance. 1 was saved, before collapsing again. I cannot even begin to talk about mental inabilities, because even now, I am too uneducated, too illiterate, to be able to be of any significance.
I have come back to Blogger earlier, not because my Proff D asking me to use 'ability which I have got' ( Wondering what would have happened if I would walk with Proff D...He would have given up on me...). I have come back to say today that I am happy. I wanted to be in Internal Medicine and I am glad to be here. I may not be the best people have had here, but I will give it my best. And I will hopefully live upto the expectations of some people who matter to me here. People I will end up mentioning here and there. I am only worried if I can prove to be as good, because it is tough, and although I have no fixed plans of where I am going to go in life, marriage, kids and the like, I know I will continue to be honest, to those who can see beyond the clumsiness ( like carrying My Professor's pendrive on my stapler and dropping it in front of him, or hammering a nail back to place in front of him after it tore a good bit of my trousers),and I will try to give my best, and also try to become more graceful as a woman. I am glad that people have accepted me here. And I am glad I am out of certain issues and certain doubts I had about myself and life.
And people who have seen me in the past and know what I am talking about will know why I am emphasizing this 5 letter word so much. HAPPY. Fortunately, the old appendixedmusings was burnt. It had too much of a 20 year old to 24 year old in it. Today, I am a proud physician serving the people of this land, to the best of my abilities. And will continue to do so while time permits.
And I have accepted them. Thats my religion. Thats all I am bothered about.
Amen.
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