Nothing...

Yesterday I promised someone I would write instead of crying. And I was with the hope that i would yet again produce voluminous amounts of text. Today I dont feel like crying at all. I just realized this. That I still don't have enough love in my veins. Not as much as I would like to. And I lay down my weapons against that thing called life. Right now, I would like to,

Go and fall over a cliff. And trust me I would be smiling till I smashed into the rocks.

Something I have never been able to do...

Run till my lungs burst and all the blood came out of it.

Hit my head and forget everything about me. And then go to a village and live a life doing chores from house to house like an ordinary peasant woman.

Leave this place. Just leave this place and start walking. And walk till my life bleeds out of my legs.

Actually fall into that water I have seen myself fall into countless times in my dreams.

The best, be that Mermaid I grew up with, even before I learnt to read the story.

Life can be that strange, that fucked up for some people.

Or people fuck their lives up. Maybe that is the truth.

And tears, No tears today. And I doubt if there will be any ever again after this.

I don't know if I am better today knowing it or worse.

I am numb. Because still, I have nothing to gain.

And I have nothing left to lose.

Just a vague emptiness, that I have no words to describe.

Like someone punched me in the face, and forced me to see my face in the mirror.

Like the moths I used to smash as a child because I was scared of them.

Ugly isn't it?

I have nothing left to say.

And when I dissolve into foam, one single drop would fall from my eyes. I wish I could dive in and go away from here.

I wish this is all a dream and I could be, I could be 24 again.

And if that is not possible, then what I learnt today, should change me to the extent that I don't have to do that "Exhale Sucharita. Fill yourself with happiness, you are going to save people's lives. Its a much bigger privilege than anybody gets to get in his/her life. Don't ruin this with your unhappiness within. Don't let that shadow fall on them", each time I walked to the Hospital.

To be honest, About right now, I want to go to Daycare center where I used to be on night duty for a bunch of Terminal patients on ventilator. At about 2 or 3 in the morning, in the biting cold, I used to be the only one person awake there. And I used to pace all night. Looking at each of those bloated faces till it was 6 in the morning. People I mostly never saw making it to life till the time I left.

I want to do that now. I wish they did not lock our hostels from outside. They possibly sense our feelings. Thats why they lock us in. People like me can be dangerous tonight.