Since I promise to write about nice things in this blog I will not mention how things have been going for me after one accidental discovery on the internet...and weirdly too this was yet again a consequence of following my gut feeling after a dream. Since then, I have been thankful of how the perspective really shaped itself out. Sometimes I think I have a notoriety for overestimating people and having more faith in them than they really deserve. And doing just the opposite for me. In any case, I am grateful the consequence of it all is that it has made it easier on my part not to repose anymore faith on any person to the extent that your vulnerability is taken advantage of. Now since a lot of the soul is a wasteland, I am trying to make my job bloom some flowers in it...and mercifully, thanks to some people, it has....Besides, I have become so independent over the last 3 odd years that things don't affect me anymore, ( or so I thought...but a recent discovery made me physically puke before I regained composure...so I don't know if I am any more mature than what I claim to be and know I am not) and thankfully I have a lot more important people in my life who bestow their living seconds in my hands. To these at least, if not the others who have done the splendid job of taking the word 'faith' out of my life and turning a caricature of it, I have more important things to do. The rest is upto God.
I have turned strangely irreligious here. Its a sharp contrast from those days in Cuttack when I used to bow down before God at every turning, carry conversations presumably in lieu of soul searching during some of my most trying periods of life; here, strangely I do not feel like bowing my head in front of any temple, except when I am thinking of some patient I desperately want to survive ( who usually doesn't survive...its usually too late before my enthusiasm matches my capacity to do that running around....) I feel irreligious because of a personal void that I cannot fill in because life is all about work, work and work, and there is hardly any conversation, any education, and any soul searching...even with myself if not with company...There is just no time...I haven't touched books for quite some time now, with the promise that I wont be doing so till my First Year gets over in June...because all my life I have done nothing else except live with them....Thanks to Dr S and Dr P, two wonderful women and fantastic doctors, I have managed to gain back some perspective, especially from the former, on how to go on with nothing in hand. So the result is that some work is to be done, in order for some dreams to be fulfilled, and I need to say a few goodbyes to some people who have stayed as very important portions of my life and thoughts for some time now. And that will be done soon. And after that, I begin my life...a trip to Ladakh, or any place up here...And I go alone if no one else comes along. And then my life and how I want to be as a doctor once I am done with these ward duties, and how I choose to be with whatever time is left over.
First year came and went like a jiffy...Now I know the way the Health Machinery of this state works, including the tweaks and fixes. I have given my best, in terms of sincerity and that old bad habit of not going back on my word...Someone asked me the other day if my Professor was happy with me. I have pondered over it. You know, at no point in time have I ever thought of doing something because I want to please some faculty member. My urges have been purely patient driven and clinically oriented. I love typing PowerPoint slides for my boss because I enjoy working with computers... I have opposed vehemently to some developments here, and then it was not because an ego was involved, but rather, because I did not think there was anything clinically to be done. Nor have I the capacity or charm or sweetness to sweet talk the VVIPs that get admitted here. I talk tough. The other day, I sounded off the CM's PSO whose mother ( who looked fit enough to be the PSO of Sonia Gandhi...in terms of attitude at least) was admitted for Chronic UTI; I made it amply clear that neither did I appreciate nor did the disease of the person appreciate that ceaseless smoking of cigarettes should occur in a 10 by 10 room. And contrary to what I thought about the 6 feet 4 guy throwing me off, the room had a freshener on the next morning I went to visit her. Here, as a hospital, and the only one in the entire state, with vigilance, uninterrupted attention, moolah and Paybacks in terms of references ranging from Hooda to Gandhi, we delegate tertiary care to a few, secondary care to most, and primary care to a considerable chunk of our inflow. Thing is, even with the circumstances existing, even minor attention to details, despite the daggerended cooperation between various units, a little work can dramatically improve the morbidity and mortality indices of this hospital, and the state. We just need some people who have the spine to push through the idea that nothing is more important to know than the illness, and nothing is more important to achieve than the cure of this illness.
On a personal level, I finally got an independent cupboard of my own so that I don't have to run with toothpaste, bed sheet, mosquito coils every alternate day to the ward, the providence will make me much more comfortable in the ward....Though the lack of a proper loo makes it very difficult for my precision timed bowel and bladder habits...And I hate to check BP of patients with a full bladder and anguishing bowel in the morning with a smile on my face. God forbid if anyone does the cardinal scene of calling me 'sister' then....And with morning covering casualties beginning this week, the real day has arrived. We will be all out..in the open...and alone, and we have to prove it. Thanks to my SR, I have made some headway in distinguishing ICMP with LVF/CHF from COPD with CHF and the different management in both...What scares me is ECG...I am pathetic in it...except gross changes that can be interpreted by an ant...And I hate myself for being so bad in this. My unit is hectic with work that goes on 24/7...With file work and countless other things and with my room that looks like the pit of a pig any day with all the books and stuff I have got piled in one room, life is a mess from sanitation point of view. Even if I am reading Revolutionary Road, I find it irritating and want to slap April Wheeler sometimes for being such a cold, heartless bitch. Some women never understand the meaning of love. (As an afterthought, what about the men who are made like that? I have no words for them)
Rohtak is on its way to the oven. Life is good. My left leg is markedly swollen both perhaps as a result of obesity and also postural...I haven't been able to start a lot of things I promised to, but I am glad I have taken some good decisions and have stuck to them.
Going home last week of June. And coming back after the final goodbye to start the justification process thereof. Enough has been spent from life so that now the wastelands are on the verge of frutification for all times to come
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